Sleep Divorce- Is it the right solution for you?

08/03/2024

Ben Trapskin

I have carefully studied and evaluated many mattresses, sheets, pillows, duvet inserts, comforters, sleep gadgets, and adjustable beds for over a deca... Full Bio

As I sit here in the solitude of our now second bedroom, with my fingers hovering over the keyboard, I can’t help but reflect on how drastically my life has changed. My name is Ben, I’m in my mid-40s, and like many married people, I used to share a bed with my spouse. Catherine, my beloved wife of nearly two decades, and I have, however, recently embarked on a somewhat unconventional path. We’ve chosen a route that some couples venture upon, but not many openly talk about: the path of a sleep divorce.

A “sleep divorce”, for those who are not familiar with the term, is when a couple chooses to sleep in separate bedrooms, or in separate beds within the same room, to improve their sleep quality. This decision is typically based on various disturbances that one partner may cause to the other during the night, like snoring, sleep-talking, or in my case, excessive movement.

Sleeping separately might seem antithetical to a healthy relationship, right? After all, shared intimacy and warmth are some of the benefits that come with sharing a bed. But, let me assure you, our sleep divorce has done wonders for us. Let me explain.

Before our sleep divorce, I would constantly shift in my sleep. This nocturnal ballet was not an issue for me; it was Catherine who suffered. Each movement I made would shake the bed, disturbing her slumber. She was always the more sensitive sleeper between us. Our disrupted sleep resulted in groggy mornings, short tempers, and constant exhaustion, things we could no longer afford to ignore.

Then, during an annual check-up, our doctor, sensing the physical and emotional strain we were under, suggested a sleep divorce. The idea initially seemed absurd, but the more we thought about it, the more it seemed like an intriguing solution to our sleep problem.

Despite our initial apprehension, we decided to take the plunge, and the benefits were almost immediate. Catherine found herself getting undisturbed sleep, her energy levels improved, and she was far more cheerful during the day. And I, no longer feeling guilty about my unintentional nocturnal interruptions, was also sleeping better, finally free to roam about the bed without concern.

If you find yourself relating to our predicament, you may wonder: how do you arrange your living quarters for a sleep divorce? The first step is to establish a second bedroom, if possible. This room should be comfortable, inviting, and conducive to sleep. Prioritize good bedding, calming décor, and optimal temperature.

As Catherine was the more sensitive sleeper, I moved into the guest room. I took the time to personalize it and make it as comfortable as my side of our old shared bed used to be. But don’t forget: this arrangement is not set in stone. If your living conditions change, your sleeping arrangements can change as well. Flexibility is key.

In the case of smaller living and room is not available, consider investing in a larger bed with a mattress that absorbs motion, so that the movements of one person are less likely to disturb the other. A room divider or a separate blanket for each person can also be beneficial.

An important aspect of a sleep divorce is maintaining your emotional connection. It’s crucial to reassure each other that the decision to sleep separately is not a reflection of your love or desire for each other but rather an attempt to improve the quality of both of your lives. Intimacy doesn’t only occur at night, and it certainly doesn’t have to happen in bed. Ensure you’re spending quality time together during your waking hours. Our lives are richer, and our relationship is stronger, because we’ve made sure to preserve our connection outside of the bedroom.

Communication is also paramount during this transition. Clear, open dialogues about feelings, apprehensions, and boundaries are vital. Just because you’re sleeping separately doesn’t mean you can’t have a bedtime routine together. Catherine and I spend our evenings side by side, talking, reading, or watching our favorite shows before we retreat to our respective bedrooms. This ensures we maintain our emotional bond, despite physically sleeping apart.

One practical concern that many couples face is how to explain this new sleeping arrangement to children or guests. We explained to our teenage kids that dad was disturbing mom’s sleep with his movements, and we needed to sleep in separate rooms to be more rested and happier parents. They understood. When it comes to guests, it’s entirely up to you how much you want to share. A simple, “we sleep better this way,” should suffice.

Overall, the sleep divorce has been a surprising success. We are both better rested, our moods have improved, and our relationship is stronger. We have more energy for each other, our kids, and our work. What’s more, our experience has led to more open conversations about the quality of our sleep, health, and overall happiness.

The decision to sleep separately is not for every couple. What works for us may not work for everyone. But for those who are dealing with sleep disturbances, it is an option worth considering. The key to a successful sleep divorce, like any aspect of a relationship, lies in open communication, understanding, and flexibility. If implemented thoughtfully, a sleep divorce could result in not just better sleep, but a happier and healthier life overall.

More Benefits of a Sleep Divorce

Beyond the practicalities and physical benefits, there are several emotional and psychological benefits to a sleep divorce. The improvement in our overall mood and energy levels has allowed Catherine and me to reconnect on a deeper level. We have more patience for each other, we are more understanding, and our communication has improved immensely. We’ve managed to reinvent our ‘us’ time, and we’re enjoying each other’s company more than we have in a long time.

Another unexpected benefit has been a resurgence of our independence. We’ve reclaimed our individual spaces and routines, which we didn’t even realize we’d missed. This newfound independence, rather than driving us apart, has made us value our shared time more.

One could argue that this separation has helped us to rediscover ourselves as individuals, a realization that is essential for a healthy relationship. It’s easy to lose sight of oneself when life becomes a whirlwind of shared responsibilities, duties, and routines. A sleep divorce, in a strange way, can facilitate this necessary self-reflection.

Of course, a sleep divorce is not without its challenges. It takes time to adapt to this new routine and to shake off the societal norms ingrained in us about shared matrimonial beds. There are moments of awkwardness, like when you’re explaining to a confused friend why you have two bedrooms, or when you’re navigating intimate moments with your partner. But, with open communication and mutual respect, these hurdles can be overcome.

Catherine and I have also made a concerted effort to ensure that we don’t become complacent about our relationship now that we’re sleeping separately. We deliberately plan for shared activities and create romantic moments together. We still enjoy ‘sleepovers’ in each other’s rooms on the weekends. Our love life has not suffered; in fact, the thrill of spending a night in the ‘other’s room’ has rekindled the spark.

Final Thoughts on My Sleep Divorce

Navigating the uncharted waters of a sleep divorce can seem daunting, but with the right mindset, it can also be viewed as an exploration of your individual and collective needs, a journey to a healthier and happier life.

It’s essential to remember that embarking on a sleep divorce doesn’t have to be a permanent decision. For some couples, it might be a temporary solution to a temporary problem, such as one partner recovering from an illness or surgery, or dealing with temporary stress or insomnia. For others, like Catherine and me, it might turn out to be a more long-term arrangement. The flexibility to adapt to changing circumstances and needs is crucial.

Many couples may also find it helpful to consult a sleep specialist or a therapist during this process. Professionals can provide insights into your sleep habits, offer practical advice on setting up separate sleeping arrangements, and guide you on maintaining intimacy and connection during this transition.

In essence, a sleep divorce is an invitation to have a broader conversation about your relationship, about personal needs versus collective needs, about boundaries, compromise, and understanding. It’s about recognizing that sharing a bed is not the only way to express love and commitment, and that good quality sleep is essential for the health of both individuals and the relationship.

There are, indeed, nights when I miss the warmth of Catherine next to me, the comfort of her familiar presence as I drift off to sleep. But then I remember our exhausted past selves, running on the hamster wheel of sleep deprivation, and I’m reminded of why we chose this path. It’s not a choice we made lightly, but it is one we both agree has been for the best.

Sleep divorce won’t be the right choice for everyone, and that’s okay. The important thing is to have the conversation about sleep and to find the solution that works best for your relationship. Don’t let societal norms dictate the course of your personal journey to better sleep and a healthier relationship.

For us, the sleep divorce has not been a divide, but rather a bridge to better understanding, better health, and a stronger, more resilient relationship. We may not end every day side by side, but we greet every morning well-rested, happier, and more in love than ever before. And isn’t that, after all, a testament to a successful partnership?

It’s time to elevate the conversation about sleep divorce, to move it out from under the covers, and to acknowledge it as a viable solution for those seeking a night of peaceful sleep and a lifetime of healthier, happier relationships. Because if sleep is a fundamental pillar of health, then surely, it’s worth making it a priority in our lives, even if it means shaking up traditional norms. Sleep well, live better, love more – that’s been our mantra, and it’s served us well.